I often wonder how well my dad knew his father. Did they spend time together? Did my dad understand what made his father tick? Did my dad ever get an atta-boy from his father? Did they talk about life? Politics? God? Girls?
My dad grew up somewhere in New York. I've heard Millerton mentioned. I think he came from a small town environment and somehwere along the line moved to New York City.
I think my biological grandmother on my dad's side died when he was a child and that my dad had a step mother.
But, the big question is who did he have as male role models. Was it his dad? What was my grandfather like? My mom met some of these people and shared some of this with me when I was very young. But, I was too young to be really interested. Because of the intense emotion involved in talking about my father, I remember more of the strong feelings and less of what she learned.
Did I ever have a male role model who took an interest in what I did and what I was thinking? In a way, in a kind of, sort of way I did. I had some uncles who took some time with me occasionally. And I'm thankful for that.
I will wonder about my Grandpa Thorp. Did he spend much time with his kids? Did he take an interest? My guess is that he didn't. Did my dad show more interest in his other kids than he did with me? I got none.
What's the cost of this lack of "daddy-interest" through the generations? It has to be huge. I still look for that older guy to say atta-boy. That's becoming less of a desire as I get older and as my perspective changes.
That started to happen last October. I was told to "remember who you are." My real identity doesn't come from being my father's son. What do I mean? Do I really buy that? Do I understand what that means?